I Still Love The Crazy Stuff: The Wild And Dangerous Designs of The Joes and Cobra

By Destro Designs-Viper Studios

As a kid, it’s super easy to ignore so many of the G.I. Joe toy design flaws that lead to obvious danger from both the enemy as well as the machines themselves.

For example, the Cobra FANG is a canopy-less helicopter, which isn’t so bad until you realize the helicopter blade is barely above the pilot’s head. But as a kid, you recognize the absurdity, put it in your pocket, and move on because the vehicle is totally fucking awesome.

Another one that’s a little less dangerous, but to me was equally as awesome, is the L.C.V. Recon Sled. Somehow, I had thought well above my years when imagining this one being useful. Imagine transporting troops swiftly and silently across a nighttime landscape with a minimal height profile.

Now, that works because when I was 7, night vision wasn’t common practice in movies or shows besides Predator, and it was such crazy tech that only the fucking alien had it. But again, it was a dope-ass little vehicle that I had two of, so it was obviously the shit.

One of the more famous examples is also the most absurd in terms of safety, but it does look pretty cool. It’s on arguably my favorite vehicle, and that was the H.A.V.O.C. pilot seat for Cross Country.

Now, this is a basic chair that’s elevated to the top of the body, held up by two mechanical arms like Rafiki holding up Simba in the iconic Lion King scene. Except, this was more like a celebration of death because Cross Country would be getting ventilated as soon as the H.A.V.O.C. turned the corner into the sights of literally any enemy.

And my last example is one of my favorite vehicles. It hasn’t hit Classified yet, but fear not—my brother @cghorror on Twitter made me one, and it’s totally amazing. I actually photographed it today.

I’m talking about the ASP.

It’s such a glorious toy. It can be towed, preferably by the 4WD Rattler, and it can be chocked with the wheels up and ready to fight. The 120mm Eliminator Cannons will rectify any air threat and can even fire back while making a getaway.

But despite all its firepower, it employs a freaking roll cage to cover its pilot. No multilayered, 130mm bulletproof glass—just a roll cage like a freaking 12-year-old’s go-kart would have.

If that’s not bad enough, the entire body of the unit can lift to a straight-up 90-degree angle, putting the pilot up there like he’s going before a firing squad. Hell, my grandmother had one of those chairs that lifts to help seniors stand up, and that freaking thing didn’t even go nearly as far as this thing does, putting its pilot straight up into the air and directly into the line of fire.

These are some of my best examples because I had all of these, but I’ve definitely got another article in me somewhere down the road.

Thank you, as always, for following me down memory lane lined with the Joes.